CHOOSE ONE QUESTION BELOW TO ANSWER:
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| Dear Henry, I think my wife/husband is cheating on me. How can I get back at her/him?
| 2.
| Dear Henry, I've been sneaking around for months and I don't want my boyfriend/girlfriend to find out. How do I juggle two lovers?
| 3.
| Dear Henry, how can I make myself more attractive to the opposite sex?
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 |  | Username: SemperEadem
Question: Dear Henry, I've been sneaking around for months and I don't want my boyfriend/girlfriend to find out. How do I juggle two lovers?
Advice: Dear Confused One,
First, congratulations are in order for finding your one true love in this new mate! No doubt your new love is a more astounding and fertile beauty than the old hag who formerly held you under the spell of her affections. Forget juggling; get out of the dead-end relationship while you can! Might I suggest that you avoid any confrontation where your former lover might turn you into a cuckold. For as sure as she finds out about your new flame, she will abuse you in the most unfair and cruel way, and make a mockery of you in front of your friends. My advice: assure her that all is well, and after a nice dinner, ride off from the place where you left her without offering a goodbye. It is kinder to everyone involved, and you can send a trusted friend or servant to recover your property and jewels later. Then assiduously ignore any notes of love she might send you, you are king of your domain after all, and you need to be getting an heir off of your new, true love!
On the plus side, keep in mind that since no vows of marriage have been made, you have no Roman legates to deal with!
Best,
H Rex VIII |
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 | EDITOR'S PICKS |  | Username: karenofbethany
Question: Dear Henry: How can I make myself more attractive to the opposite sex?
Advice: A. The "dangle and snatch" method always worked for me. Ladies should send out smoulder signals but too much too soon is a turn-off, Absence makes the heart grow hornier. I was known to wait for 7 years for one female and it was hot!
B. Meaningful but not obvious looks across crowded rooms are a big turn-on. The more people, the better. As a matter of fact, my favorite has always been sidelong glances and quick whispered lusty innuendo right under the wife's nose. There's something about getting away with it that makes it more fun.
C. Finally, we want your body, not your brain. Keep your mouth shut and your options open.
Let me know if it works out, and if not...you can reach me through Cromwell. Henry a/k/a God as Henry |
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|  | Username: Natalie_09
Question: Dear Henry, I think my wife is cheating on me. How can I get back at her?
Advice: Dear Peasant
Personally I would go strait for an amputation of the head; if you send me your details I will make and sign a death warrant for your adulterous wench! Your Generous Sovereign! Henry VIII of England, Irland and France!
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|  | Username: FMFJRMGRL
Question: Dear Henry, how can I make myself more attractive to the opposite sex?
Advice: Ahh...Let the Duckies fly where they may...make your bodice accessable...keep a Lavender pouch betweeneth thou thighs and washeth frequently. Do have plenty of clean silky bloomers(in case of tearing)..Pull up thou hair to see the size, oops I mean, silkiness of your neck. Apply some beet powder to thou cheeks and cleavage for a perky look.
Keep thou nose clean and thou body cleaner is what I always say!
HVIII |
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|  | Username: LickmyFangs
Question: Dear Henry,
I believe my husband is cheating on me. I am quite attractive, and this shouldn't be happening. Can you help me get back at him?
Advice:I believe Dear Lady,
I shall answer you in verse,
For it is true
My own love is cursed.
That said, I give you this advice,
And you should follow it
If you value your life.
First you should bless them
With a poisoned meal
Then in a few hours
See how they feel.
Next you should accuse them
Of some crime.
It's quite easy
I do it all the time!
Last ,but not least
If you truly
Want them dead
Come to me darling,
And I'll chop off their head!
Regards,
Henry |
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|  | Username: MissAlexsays
Question: Dear Henry, I think my husband is cheating on me. How can I get back at him? Suspicious in Sudley.
Advice: Dear Suspicious in Sudley,
This is one of the most curious letters I have had to answer all day!
First of all are you with child? How old are you? How long have you been together? Longer than 3 months? Unfortunately you really haven't told me very much about yourself for me to fully answer this question in it's entirety. Send an accurate drawing of yourself next time so I can see what feminine virtues you hold.
In all honesty,if your husband is sleeping with another woman it is entirely normal and I think you just have to quit your suspicions and whining at this point. Get used to the idea and make yourself more desireable to him. The part about getting back at him really has no merit and definitely gave me a good belly laugh! Henry VIII |
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|  | Username: modernelegance
Question: DEAR HENRY: AN ADVICE COLUMN FEATURED IN MAIDEN'S MONTHLY! Dear Henry, how can I make myself more attractive to the opposite sex?
- Excommunicated Elizabeth in Essex
Advice: Dearest Elizabeth,
I have always found the female species to be beautiful. Only one woman has ever been a turn off and unless you're German I believe if you follow the tips I give you that you will have success in catching the eye of any man.
1. The neck is a very attractive part of a woman's body so I have always suggested that women focus their attention on allowing their neck to remain soft, delicate, white as buttermilk, and of course thin. A man enjoys seeing silver against her neck accented with red. I have found many of my wives to be absolutely stunning when they wear that combination.
2. The second area I would suggest every woman look after is their hip. If the hips are thin and frail they are less likely to survive childbirth and see our son grow to be the King of England. I find that riding horses (and her King) daily keeps the thighs and hips in mint condition to be able to carry our son.
3. Prayer! Prayer to God Almighty to make you more attractive. I would suggest going to Mass...er...the Church each morning and humbly pray to God. Not only for your King who provides all that you want and desire but for yourself that your heart will not stray from God's will and that when you find yourself married that he will give you strong sons to carry on your family name.
Take my advice to heart dear maiden and when all else fails find a pirate at court as I am told that they find anything attractive.
Your King,
Henry VIII |
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|  | Username: queen_elizabeth_1533
Question: Dear Henry, I've been sneaking around for months and I don't want my girlfriend to find out. How do I juggle two lovers? From, NOT King Francis I of France
Advice: Dear NOT King Francis, If you were a moral, ethical, compassionate human being with a sensitive conscience, such as Yours Truly, you would not have two lovers at all. God calls on us all to be faithful, and I have spent my life dutifully following that path as best I can. If, however, God has decided that being with your wife is a sin, then by all means, it is your duty to marry the second girl. But of course, we cannot all be as selfless and honorable as I am. Your mortal folly can be forgiven, peasant. From His Most Honorable Majesty, King Henry VIII |
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| | Username: LadyKerri
Question: Dear Henry, I think my wife/husband is cheating on me. How can I get back at her/him?
Advice: If it is your husband, just ignore it. A man has got to do what a man's got to do. If it is your wife, even if there is no proof, do not seek any, don't ask questions, disown and behead her. This method has worked for me! |
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